Introduction by Itzall Err, Editor-in-Chief of Sans Cerebrum News

Dear Readers,

First, let us begin with a profuse, trembling apology for the… content you’re about to encounter in these pages. Yes, this is the bar we’ve set for “quality journalism,” and yes, we are genuinely mortified. Our reporters—bless their hollow-eyed souls—have once again turned in work that reaches depths of coherence not seen since cavepeople argued about whether thunder was just clouds giggling too loudly. I’ve tried, Readers. I’ve tried. I’ve scribbled margin notes in multicolored highlighters, organized mandatory “Objectivity 101” pep talks (attended only by the兼任 intern, who’s just here for the desk), and threatened to switch the office Wi-Fi password to “biasIsBadderThan” every night. But as you’ll soon see, their drafts still read likeblurry text messagesfromsomeoneverytipsy.

Meanwhile, my own existence has crumbled into a series of coffee stains and existential twitches. It’s been six weeks since I’ve seen sunlight, let alone my wife’s face. She sent a voicemail last night titled “URGENT: YOUR OTHER LIFE WANTS TO KNOW…” and I’m pretty sure it’s slipped into the void where I keep unpaid bills and the half-finished toast on my desk.

But—hold onto that glimmer of hope!—I was starting to believe we’d claw our way back from the brink. The grammar checker alone has had a miraculous recovery. Alas, just minutes before I began this intro, a fresh deluge of stories materialized on my desk. One headline alone—“KALE CAUSE OF MOST EVIL? LOCALLY SOURCED THEORY”—has me questioning whether my corneas are capable of weeping and swelling at the same time.

In closing (oh, what’s the point), please forgive us. We’re not giving up yet… or are we? I have to go now. Nine o’clock looms, the Wi-Fi threat dangles, and someone has already hurled a moldy cracker at my head while yelling “PRIORITIES.”

Yours in thickening despair,
Itzall Err, Editing These Demons While Choking on Stale Crumbs

…Wait, what did you just say? Report 7 is still dog-earing? …Do I… speak English anymore…? Minimum Wage Workers Demand Better Sleep… NO, THAT’S NOT THE… (static) (teletype vomits)… [END TRANSMISSION]