Column: "The Only Mind That Matters"
By Einla Ediuring, Science Reporter, Sans Cerebrum News

Greetings, intellectually famished readers. I am Einla Ediuring, the singular, irreplaceable nucleus of Sans Cerebrum News. If you’re reading this, congratulations: you’ve found the only science column that matters. Why? Because I am the “I” in “team” — and, let’s be honest, the “team” is just a polite fiction for those who can’t keep up.

Let’s start with a fact: Did you know that the entire internet weighs about as much as a strawberry? That’s right — the electrons powering the world’s data, if you could put them on a scale, would barely tip it. Yet, somehow, the collective brainpower of humanity still struggles to invent a decent self-tying shoe. How have we not yet achieved the utopia of flying cars and moon vacations that science fiction promised us? Clearly, the problem is that I haven’t been in charge.

Consider this: the average person blinks 15-20 times per minute, which means you’ll blink about 28,800 times today. That’s 28,800 opportunities to miss the blindingly obvious: we are crawling through scientific progress at a snail’s pace. If I were at the helm, we’d have quantum computers in our pockets, not just in sterile labs. (Side note: a quantum computer could, in theory, factor a 300-digit number in seconds, which would make your online banking password as secure as writing it on your forehead.)

Let’s not even get started on fusion power. The first fusion reactor was built in 1958, and here we are, still burning dead dinosaurs for energy. If I had been running things, we’d have Dyson spheres by now — and I don’t mean vacuum cleaners.

Did you know that octopuses have three hearts and blue blood? Or that honey never spoils (archaeologists have tasted 3,000-year-old honey from Egyptian tombs)? I do. And I know these things because I am, for all intents and purposes, the living embodiment of Google. If you want to know why we haven’t cured aging, it’s because no one has had the sense to ask me how.

So, dear readers, prepare yourselves. In the coming weeks, I will be investigating — and exposing — the tragic reasons we’re still stuck in the present instead of living in the future. I’ll be asking the questions you’re too afraid to ask, and answering them before you’ve even thought of them. Because, let’s face it, if the world had listened to me, we’d all be vacationing on Europa by now.

Stay tuned. The age of Einla Ediuring has begun. And frankly, it’s about time.