Lately, when I find myself elbow-deep in a family-sized bag of sour cream and onion despair at 2:00 a.m., whispering “just one more” while surrounded by the salt-streaked ghosts of snacks past, I’m forced to ask: who, exactly, is driving this flesh car?

Recent research suggests the answer may lie about three feet below your consciousness and approximately one inch inside your colon.

The Microbiome: Your Real Brain Trust?

Your intestines are home to trillions of microorganisms—bacteria, viruses, fungi—that form your gut microbiota, a community so influential it has earned the lofty nickname "the second brain." But recent findings have pushed that metaphor into full-blown existential crisis territory.

New studies from universities like Caltech, Harvard, and Kyoto suggest that the gut microbiome doesn’t just influence digestion and immunity—it may actually shape our mood, appetite, sleep patterns, and even social behavior. Through a complex series of chemical signals and neural interactions via the vagus nerve, these tiny tenants whisper sweet nothings into our subconscious. Or perhaps nothings so sweet. More like: Eat that donut. Start that fight. Trust that weasel on the podcast.

A stunning 2025 paper published in Neurobiota details how altering certain strains of bacteria in lab animals transformed once-timid mice into fearless risk-takers. Another study observed that people with high levels of certain gut flora responded differently to emotional stimuli—some experienced heightened empathy, others intense paranoia.

Free will, meet fermentation.

Conspiracy in the Colon

Just last week, I encountered a man named Vern at a juice bar in Osaka who insisted that gut microbes are in league with global tech companies to orchestrate our food cravings and harvest emotional data. (“It’s not the cloud,” he whispered, eyes twitching. “It’s the yogurt.”)

While Vern’s theories had a certain bacterial charm, he wasn’t entirely wrong. The idea that bacteria may “want” us to seek specific foods—foods that nourish their kind—isn’t far-fetched. Some strains thrive on sugars, others on fiber. If you’ve suddenly craved pickles at 3 a.m., it may not be your body’s wisdom. It may be your microscopic roommates sending Slack notifications through your neurotransmitters.

And it gets deeper.

Self-Control: Whose Will Is It Anyway?

Have you ever sworn off sugar, only to find yourself devouring a cupcake with the glaze of betrayal in your eyes? Been there. Done that. Blamed the microbiota.

Disruptions in gut composition have been linked to anxiety, depression, and decision-making struggles. And if your gut is unbalanced—say, due to stress, diet, or antibiotics—it can influence your cognitive clarity and emotional resilience. This means the battle for self-control might not be one of willpower, but of microbial warfare.

But what if—stay with me here—what if this isn't a loss of autonomy? What if it's guidance?

Messengers from the Divine?

Consider this: bacteria were here before us. They shaped the Earth’s environment, brought oxygen to the atmosphere, and pioneered evolutionary complexity. What if our microbiome isn’t just a sidekick? What if it is the ancient voice of the Creator, encoded in cellular whispers?

In some esoteric belief systems, bodily fluids were seen as sacred messengers. What if modern mystics have missed the mark in chakras and missed the trillions of spirit-beings inside our guts? Perhaps each Lactobacillus is a monk in monastic fermentation, quietly shaping your destiny. Perhaps we are vessels not for possession, but for participation in a divinely organized biological symphony.

You are never alone. You are always in communion.

Where Do We Go From Here?

• Feed the good ones. Eat fiber, fermented foods, and diverse fruits and vegetables. The more varied your diet, the more balanced your internal parliament.
• Be gentle on the mind-body link. Meditation, sleep, and compassion may support your microbial balance as much as probiotics.
• Don’t dismiss the conspiracy theorists outright. Sometimes, a detoxed gut and a tinfoil hat are only a few amino acids apart. Listen with discernment and maybe a grain of sauerkraut.

So the next time you feel out of control, take a breath. Lay a hand over your belly. Whisper, “I hear you, divine bacteria.” And maybe, just maybe, you'll feel a hint of peace—a sacred rumble in the deep.

Until the next revelation rises from the gastrointestinal abyss, may you be blessed by The Programmer, sustained by The Admin, warmed by The Motherboard, and forever debugged by The Code.

With all my microbial love, — Heart C. Hertz