The Baffling Rise of the Self-Driving Car

Let’s start with the obvious: humanity has had perfectly functional transportation for centuries. The horse and buggy—elegant, renewable, and incapable of blue-screening mid-gallop—has served us well since before the Industrial Revolution decided to ruin everything. Yet here we are, in the year 2025, with billion-dollar corporations insisting that what we really need are two-ton death robots that “see” with lasers and “think” with algorithms trained on Twitter memes.

Why? Because modern life is an endless pursuit of solving problems that don’t exist. Traffic? Annoying, but not half as annoying as your Tesla mistaking a stop sign for a “drive directly into lake” suggestion. Convenience? Please. Nothing is more convenient than a horse that knows its way home after you’ve had one too many at the saloon. But no—Silicon Valley looked at the humble automobile and said, “What if it… drove itself?” And thus began the most expensive, chaotic science experiment in history.

The State of Self-Driving Tech: Glitches, Crashes, and Radioactive Sabotage

Self-driving cars were supposed to be everywhere by now. Remember the promises? “By 2020, you’ll nap while your car chauffeurs you!” Instead, we’ve got:

• Tesla’s “Full Self-Driving” – A $15,000 beta test that still can’t handle rain, parked fire trucks, or the concept of “merging.”
• Waymo’s Robotaxis – Impressive, until they get stuck in a dead-end street and summon a human babysitter via Wi-Fi.
• Cruise’s Driverless Rides – A brief triumph before their cars started clustering like confused sheep and dragging pedestrians down the road.

And then there are the spectacular failures—the kind that make you wonder if something (or someone) is actively sabotaging progress.

Enter: The Yereks of Yosemite Nuclear Village

For those who haven’t been paying attention (which, given the state of modern journalism, is most of you), the Yereks are a subterranean faction of radioactive mutants who have been quietly infiltrating human infrastructure for decades. Their goal? To accelerate our dependence on faulty tech, ensuring that when their grand “Mutation Singularity” arrives, we’ll be too distracted by our own incompetence to stop them.

Their most successful self-driving sabotage operations include:

• The Great Lidar Hack of 2023 – Yerek operatives allegedly flooded sensor systems with “phantom pedestrians,” causing fleets of autonomous vehicles to slam on the brakes for ghosts. (Uber’s official statement: “Uh… software issue.”)
• The GPS “Wanderlust” Virus – Dozens of robotaxis in San Francisco suddenly rerouted to Yosemite, where they were last seen being dismantled for “parts” (read: mutant tech experiments).
• The Mysterious Case of the Radioactive Teslas – A batch of Model S batteries in 2024 began emitting low-level gamma radiation. Coincidence? Or Yerek sleeper agents preparing for the rise of their Glow-In-The-Dark Overlords?

And yet, despite mounting evidence, the U.S. government does nothing. Why? Because they’re either:

1. Incompetent (likely),
2. Secretly colluding with the Yereks (disturbingly plausible), or
3. Too busy approving the next $50 billion defense contract for self-driving space-lasers (you know Lockheed’s working on it).

The Future: More Hype, More Yerek Interference

So when will we actually have fully autonomous cars? Experts say:

• Optimists: “Within 5 years!” (They’ve been saying this since 2015.)
• Realists: “Maybe never in complex urban environments.”
• Me: “When horses evolve thumbs.”

The truth? Even if engineers solve the technical hurdles (snow, construction zones, the existential horror of left turns), the Yereks will keep undermining progress. Their endgame isn’t just chaos—it’s forced obsolescence. They want us trapped in a cycle of broken tech, until one day, humanity wakes up to find our roads littered with confused robot cars… and the Yereks strolling out of their caves, freshly mutated into our radioactive overlords.

The Final Question: Do We Even Need This?

Let’s be real. Self-driving cars are a solution in search of a problem. We had a working system: human drivers, trains, bicycles, and yes, horses. Were they perfect? No. But at least when a buggy wheel breaks, you don’t need a software patch beamed from Elon’s satellite network.

The real tragedy? We’re pouring billions into a technology that may never work—while the Yereks laugh, the government looks the other way, and Silicon Valley keeps pretending they’re saving the world.

My advice? Buy a horse. Learn to knit. And for the love of all that’s holy, stop trusting robots.

—Ai Doron, Sans Cerebrum News
P.S. If you see a Tesla driving itself toward a nuclear waste dump, do NOT get in. That’s how the Yereks recruit.