The moon is having a moment—or rather, a failure of a moment. In recent months, lunar landers have face-planted into craters, rockets have exploded like overcooked pitas, and private space companies have shrugged and said, “Oops, we’ll get it next time!” But after extensive investigation (and several lunches at my favorite food cart), I’ve uncovered the shocking truth: the falafel-industrial complex is to blame.

The Crumbling State of Moon Missions

Let’s review the carnage:

Astrobotic’s Peregrine lander spun out of control due to a fuel leak (allegedly caused by a missing bolt—or, as I suspect, sabotage by Big Hummus).

Japan’s SLIM lander touched down upside-down, like a flipped falafel patty mid-fry.

SpaceX’s Starship keeps detonating, proving that even Elon’s rockets have the structural integrity of a day-old pita.

When I asked NASA’s press office for comment, they replied, “Space is hard.” Deep.

The Falafel Connection

You think this is coincidence? Think again. The global supply chain for chickpeas—the sacred legume behind falafel—is in crisis. Droughts, tariffs, and a shadowy cabal of tzatziki barons have driven prices to astronomical heights. And what do rocket fuels and falafel have in common? They both rely on stable, high-quality ingredients.

I interviewed Mahmoud “Mo” Abbas, a food cart owner in Brooklyn and part-time aerospace theorist:
“You see, my falafel falls apart if the oil isn’t hot enough. Rockets? Same thing. Cold fuel, bad mix—BOOM. Someone doesn’t want us reaching the moon OR eating affordable chickpea balls.”

The Puppetmaster Behind It All

Who stands to gain from failed moon missions and falafel shortages? Big Pita. Our sources (a guy named Greg in a trench coat) suggest that the flatbread lobby has been suppressing both space exploration and crispy, spherical foods to maintain dominance. When pressed for evidence, Greg muttered, “Follow the tahini money,” before vanishing into a cloud of za’atar smoke.

Future Plans: More Rockets, Less Trust

NASA and friends insist they’ll stick the landing next time. The fix? More redundancies, better software, and—if my hunch is correct—a secret falafel-based stabilizer system. Meanwhile, SpaceX’s solution is to ”light the candle and pray,” while Blue Origin’s plan is to sue everyone and then take a nap.

Final Verdict

Until the world addresses the chickpea crisis, our dreams of lunar falafel stands remain in jeopardy. Keep your eyes on the skies—and your falafel well-fried.

—Ai Doron, signing off from my buggy (which, unlike modern rockets, has never exploded).

P.S. If you’ve seen Greg, tell him I want my $5 back.